Since uploading my highly requested room tour (which was overdue for several years), I’ve received a fair amount of criticism via comments and personal messages about advertising my patreon account. A lot of the things said were incredibly unnecessary, and in all fairness I should feel no need to justify what I advertise. Unless I was advertising a petition to ban oreos or something, then yes I would expect some kind of backlash. Anyone who wants to ban oreos is a clearly a sociopath.
That being said, rather than responding to messages/comments one on one, I’m going to explain everything here in as much detail possible.
For quite some time I have been aspiring to combine all 3 of my passions and make it into my own career. Those things being, video editing, art, and graphic design. Naturally, in order to acquire such a goal, you have to work hard for it. So for the time being, I am working at a local sign shop as a graphic designer to pay the bills.
And it is a job I am incredibly desperate to get out of.
Naturally I can’t just quit, because, like every adult in the world, we got bills. And debt. Such a high amount of debt due to credit interest, rent and car payments, that it rarely goes down. I am able to make more than minimum payments, yes, but I am not making anywhere near enough money to pay a significant amount down. Especially since losing hours mid last year, which took a huge toll. Which should explain why I have a lot of shiny things in my room (that I worked very hard to earn myself, mind you), because I was making a lot of money at the time. But I’m not anymore.
That being said, I am still able to afford my payments. Because I’m still working. But heres the thing – I need to get out.
Is my job such a terrible place? Of course not. A lot of people would love to have the job I have. But the problem is this – I’m sick. I’m really really really sick. I’m chronically sick, and this job might kill me.
If any of you reading this follow my tumblr or twitter, you’ll probably know of what i’m talking about. Since I was 12 years old I’ve suffered from selective sound sensitivity (aka misophonia, translated as “hatred of sound). It is a sensory processing dysfunction in the brain that sends the wrong messages when I hear certain soft sounds that most people can ignore. I cannot ignore these sounds. My brain will not allow me too. Kind of how your brain tells you when you are hungry, or that you like, need to breathe, or whatever involuntary and necessary things you need to live. When I hear these sounds, my body goes into a “fight or flight” mode, where I get frequent panic and anxiety attacks. So what exact sounds elicit this response? Gum chewing. Tapping. Whistling. Humming. Loud breathing. Obnoxious laughing. Leg shaking. Stomping. AKA – sounds that are all over the place in the real world and I have no way of really avoiding lest I isolate myself from everything. Its literally the worst thing and I would never wish it on anyone, even someone I despise.
Since I’ve dealt with this since elementary school, no one really understood. Everyone thought I was overreacting, that I should just “ignore” it, etc. I did mediocre in school, because I could never concentrate. I would have such intense anxiety I would come home every day crying and wondering why I had to go through this shitty thing but no one else seemed to be bothered. I actually grew up believing I must be insane. People would call me that for bringing any of this up. That I needed mental help. That I’m obviously “retarded”.
Because I had no outlet to relieve what I was feeling (telling the person to stop making the sound wouldnt help, and I dont think shoving a cactus down their eye socket would either), I spent 10+ years taking it out on myself. Anyone remember that old, long since deleted video where I told my story of self harm via notes? This is why. I had no way of venting out my stress, so I ripped my skin apart every chance I got. And I still pick and scratch at my skin when I’m stressed. I’ve been through therapy, and I may not be suicidal anymore, but the habit still persists to this day. That is over 10 years of mutilating my skin. I can’t wear t shirts or shorts, unless I spent hours covering it up with makeup. I’m covered in scars. I had a consultation about laser surgery and was denied. I’m going to have to live with these scars forever. All because of this stupid problem in my brain that has no cure.
What does this have to do with my job? My job is a trigger happy zone. I took several months off work when I was suicidal, and when I came back I told them about my problem – and they were very understanding. But the triggers are still there. I deal with it every day. They try their best to avoid triggering me, and I can only ask so much. But the feeling I get every time it happens – its overwhelming. I’m scared one day I’ll have a panic attack so terrible I’ll get a stroke. Stress fucks up the body like you wouldn’t believe, and I am dealing with alarming amounts every day. I am not exaggerating. It is that terrible.
“Well chii, why don’t you just wear earplugs?” I do, and guess what. It makes the problem worse. Because when you wear earplugs frequently, your hearing will simply adjust. And now when I hear triggers without earplugs, the feeling is even more awful.
This is why I need to get out of my job. And I can’t right now because of fucking money problems. So when ignorant people leave comments like “oh you have nice things, stop advertising your patreon, you clearly don’t need money!” It just makes things worse. Even if I didn’t have this disability, it’s not as if I’m running some kind of donation service. Patreon is a business based platform – I am offering things in exchange for money, should you choose to be a patron. This is not “e-begging”, and anyone who calls it such should do some research as to how patreon works before making such criticisms. And it’s important to remember that none of my followers are obligated to contribute to my patreon, its completely voluntary and up to the individual.
I don’t anyone to get the wrong idea here. I don’t want anyone to be like “aw chii has it hard, guess I should give her money!” I didn’t want to write a sob story – I just want some people to get off my case and realize that you should not judge someones income based on what they own, much less make comments deterring people from buying or contributing in general. I understand I am very blessed with what I have. I have had to invest into making my room something of a sanctuary for myself. It is literally one of the only places where I am not constantly on edge. I want to be surrounded by things I love – my friends, colors, my obsessions, etc.
And most of all, I want to live in an environment where I can create. I want to be an artist. I want to edit. I want to design. I want to make all of these things into a career for myself, so I don’t have to risk my health in the way I have been for several years. Anyone who contributes to my patreon is slowly helping me achieve that. So please don’t leave ignorant comments telling others that I shouldn’t try to make money online simply because I have more than one monitor.